Two essential parts of our bodies: our minds and our hearts.
We all know firsthand how frustrating it can be when these two decide to disagree with each other. “I love him, but I know I shouldn’t be with him,” sound familiar? Thought so. Or here’s one from my own past: “I know I shouldn’t be lying to my parents about where I’m going but I don’t want my friends to think I’m lame.” Or how about “I know I shouldn’t buy this $300 Tory Burch purse but I want to show it off to my friends so they don’t know that I’m going through financial problems.”
I would like to think all of our parents did a good job at teaching us wrong from right. So that foundation is already placed in our hearts and our minds, but have you been noticing how distorted our minds have become? Thanks a lot, society.
Our minds have been distorted to care SO much about what others think of us and to how the world sees us. Distorted to think that who we are is who our friends think we are. Distorted to think that if we don’t have a flat stomach, big boobs, a small waist, toned legs, and a thigh gap, we aren’t beautiful. How sad.
So what about God? When do we ever have time to think about how He sees us when all we are worried about is how our lives look to the rest of the world? When we fix our minds and hearts on trying to be accepted by others, we are pushing our Father away.
In my mind, I’ve always wanted a God-first life. I’ve wanted to consistently feel loved by God, and not just when things in my life are going my way (because that must mean God loves me, right?). And I’ve wanted to wholely and fully feel good enough. Actually not just good enough, but perfect (we as women struggle way too much with trying to be perfect all the time, but that’s a blog post for another day).
I remember my senior year of high school, I was playing volleyball in my gym class when out of nowhere our school volleyball coach approaches me asking if I’d be interested in being on the team. I was so excited and I felt so good about myself that I immediately said yes. “I didn’t even go to the tryouts and I made the team, is this even real life?!” (Things in my life didn’t/don’t ever come this easily to me so it was a big deal). But if you want the honest truth, I didn’t actually want to play for the team (that’s my heart speaking FYI…keep reading and it’ll all tie in together soon enough). What I did want was to wear the volleyball gear to school so that everyone knew I was on the team. When will the madness of living life to impress and get the acceptance of others ever stop??? It’s exhausting (I know you know what I’m talking about). And I think the biggest desire of all, I just wanted to feel like I was a part of something. Or at least maybe if I convinced myself that I was a part of something, then maybe I’d actually start feeling it in my heart…but it never did. My insecurities won every time. Whenever the coach put me in to play, I went in expecting that I’d find some way to mess up (and it was actually mind blowing when I would do something right). But I was absolutely terrified of being on the court, especially when I had the rest of the team, who had been playing way longer and were way better than me, depending on my gym-class-volleyball-skills. Can you sense my lack of confidence there? How do you handle that kind of expectation out of you when you don’t even believe in yourself? When you don’t feel worthy enough to even be placed in this community of other people who are “better than you?”
Why must we constantly compare ourselves to other people when we know in our minds that God has a different plan for each one of us? God has given us all different sets of skills that we need to live out the lives He planned for us, so why do we constantly force ourselves to try to develop some other skill that someone else in our life has? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about learning new things and always having an open mind to new thoughts and experiences. But look at the intentions. Did you get a gym membership because you care about your health and keeping your body running well to do the tasks God has placed in your life? Or is it because your husband’s new coworker has a body straight out of a magazine and you’re now insecure that he’s going to be more attracted to her than he is to you? Be honest with yourself about your intentions. About your thoughts. And then lean on God to hear your heart and your mind and guide you.
Back to the volleyball story. Back then, I didn’t really know how to explain what was going on in my head and in my heart, but I’ve been doing some soul searching recently and I’ve realized that I’ve been letting my insecurities dictate my life for a really long time. A really long time. And I’m sick of it, hence why I’m on this journey with you!
Ever hear the phrase “follow your heart?” Just in case you live under a rock, it basically means what it says – do whatever your heart is telling you to do. Do whatever you are feeling. But stop right there. Feelings are temporary, they change constantly depending on situations we are facing, which are also constantly changing. Feelings are unpredictable, therefore I don’t necessarily agree with that cliche statement. But you know what isn’t unpredictable? Gods love for us. It’s unchanging, everlasting, consistent, eternal, unfailing. No matter what, God loves us.
So let’s ask ourselves some questions. And remember what I said earlier – be honest with yourself.
What’s in your heart? Has God consumed it? Or better yet, has His love consumed it? Or do you always feel like no matter how good your life is going, something is always missing? You feel alone, yet you’re constantly around others. You feel unloved, yet you have people in your life that always tell you they love you. You feel unhappy, yet you have a beautiful house and a brand new car and everything else everyone is dying to have. The world can give us its worldly gifts all it wants, but the true gift comes from above.
I’ve had a hole in my heart for a long time. A hole that I’ve tried everything on earth to fill. Emphasis on “on earth.” Including guys, alcohol, being constantly distracted by always making plans with friends (because being alone with an empty heart forces you to face yourself and your insecurities, and why would I want to do that?). Along with realizing I’m a woman with many insecurities, I’ve also realized I haven’t been living securely in Christ (Ding ding ding! The title makes perfect sense now!). These go hand in hand. Think about it, if you’re full of His love in your heart, then nothing else could possibly be missing. The most loving love there ever is and ever will be comes from our Father. And it probably breaks His heart when we search everywhere else but Him to fill this hole in our hearts when He’s just waiting and waiting and waiting to give it to us. We just need to learn to receive it.
I haven’t necessarily worked out all the kinks in doing that. But I do know the first step is to pray. Ask God to fill that hole in your heart, ask Him to consume you with His love, to guide you in the path He’s designed for you. Whenever I do this, I feel so at peace with myself and with where my life is heading because I know that it’s in His hands and He is a good, good Father. I believe that just talking to God and speaking out your heart to Him will help strengthen your relationship with Him. Day after day we will all learn to live with His love in our hearts, and not just our minds.
God knows your heart. Give it to Him, give Him your life so that He will direct you in ways so clear, you won’t ever second guess yourself again. Adios insecurities.
Living Securely in Christ 